Tensing
22-07-2005, 11:32 PM
I wrote the following a while back, and would love to hear you opinions.
The dilemma
Ohhhh, where shall I start?, I guess the beginning would be good.
It started some months ago now, I was away with work on a residential training course. The course was nothing special, just your normal boring, team building stuff, unmotivated instructors teaching you stuff they them selves find boring, not a great way to learn.. And the weather it was hot, hottest week of the year they reckon, just when you don’t want to be stuck in a classroom., but I needed this course, but hey we finished in the afternoon early given us plenty of time for the social extras, that every one else seemed to go on these courses for.
Me I was there strictly to learn, and gain the relevant bit of paper my boss wanted to see, worthless though it was. The first day was fairly uneventful, everyone getting to know each other pairing up with mates for the duration of the course, some know each other, most didn’t, some had mutual acquaintances, and seemed to spend the whole time discussing them or the conquests with them.
Yes you may have guessed I was the minority on this course, the only female. And to make matters worse I was kind of stuck in the middle of two distinct age groups, half the course being around twenty and the other half being late forties, with me stuck some where in the middle.
Anyway I figured that staying with the older guys was probably the best bet, at least the conversation was constantly, who had who, and how good they were. Yes defiantly the right choice, stick with the more mature members of the course, the ones whose whole purpose in life was not to get drunk and get laid.
The first night or so was great a few beers in the bar, would have liked wine, but this bar was catering for the younger members of our course, the “see how much I can drink before I’m sick†group. But then on about the second , I started getting a strange feeling, I put it down to the food, such bad quality, and so I hadn’t eaten much, that and the lack of sleep, due to the heat and the earlier starts.
By the third day, it suddenly dawned on me what it was, oh no, it couldn’t be I was far to old for that. I pushed the thought to the back of my head, but it was no good that awful, wonderful thought was in my mind now. But it had to go, this couldn’t happen. I told my self grow up, you don’t need to think like this.
And so I made an extra effort to talk to the younger members of the group, I even sat drinking with outsiders that I didn’t know, anything but confront it.
Sorry I’ve not explained, I must being going to fast for you, I’m still shocked that this could happen to me, sensible level headed me. I wasn’t some little dizzy school kid, I was a grown adult a mother, had a loving partner, yet here I was with a silly school girl crush. I kept realising that I was following this poor man around, I had no control, no reasoning, I just couldn’t help myself.
I wanted him, and yet deep down I know I was happy at home with my loving partner and children, I would knowingly jeopardise that. But something about this man made me want to just throw caution to the wind and make a pass.
Anyway by the time I’d realised my attraction for this man, we had built up a good friendship and were spending many happy, tidally moments together discussing or past, and even our present situations. I couldn’t just suddenly stop talking to him now, we were friends. And yet something deep inside me told me I wanted more. It was like little voices arguing in my head, reason or base instinct I guess, some uncontrollable desire. I lay awake at night, tormented by fantasies of this man, the pair of us our bodies locked together in an embrace. I longed for him to touch me, positioned myself so he would have to squeeze past me, his body brushing mine for a few seconds, just the thought sent a tingle through my body.
By the last night I spent hours going over in my head , what I was going to say to him, I’d wait till he had had a few beers and then tell him how I felt, no don’t be stupid what if he’s shocked, he might run a mile, or maybe he won’t be shocked, he might feel the same way, oh god then what,?. Yes I wanted him, but did I this was a stupid school girl crush I told my self firmly, pull yourself together. But by now my strange mood was beginning to show. My fellow class members kept asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell them, could I?
And yet by the end of the evening, I sat alone with him in the warm summers air a slight breeze teasing my skin, he shuffled a little closer sensing the chill that ran through me from the breeze. I closed my eyes took a deep breath, and tried to tell him hoe I felt, but I couldn’t. Just gave him some story about having a lot on my mind, missing my family that sort of thing. All rubbish of course, but logic was finally winning over lust. But still deep inside butterflies leapt in my stomach just sitting next to him. Sadness filled my heart, tomorrow we were due to go home separately, we would probably never see each other again.
Again the argument started inside my head, I felt like I was going mad, I should tell him, no let sleeping dogs lie, even if he feels the same way there’s nothing you can do, after all you criticised the younger course members whose goal on course was to get a new conquest. I want ed so much to tell him how I felt, just kiss him I told my self, se if he kisses you back, and as I finally took a deep breath and plucked up the courage, a classmate came out to join us.
I went to bed and had yet another sleepless night, deciding weather I should tell him over breakfast, I decided I would, but of course I didn’t, again some one got in the way., babbling on about or course project.
The rest of the morning went well, we gave our presentation, a short play, all part of our teambuilding exercises, I managed for a brief time not to think to much about him, but to concentrate on the presentation. We had our exams, and then just waited.
By the end of the day when it was time to go, I was almost in tears, I didn’t want the day, or week come to that to end. I felt like my heart would break having to say good bye to him, Yes I know it was stupid, this was a man I hardly really know, but we had a connection.
And then just as my mind was drifting of in to a fantasy world, he hugged, me, took me in his arms and hugged me. Our bodies pressed together, it was like electric, my knees went weak, and my checks flushed. My whole body seemed to quiver. “Goodbye†he whispered “its been great meeting youâ€
And then just as I thought it couldn’t get any better, he kissed me, not a passionate kiss just a lingering peck on my lips. And looking in to his deep brown eyes I felt sure I could see it the same passion I had a shared passion, a lust for one another,. Had he too been fighting with his demons, the voices in his head, hiding his feelings, his urges?
We parted suddenly aware of our classmates around us, the silence that was creeping over the room, I flushed all over, turning away from him I hastily said goodbye to my other class mates, before quickly slipping away., I turned as I reached the door, and immediately our eyes met, a tear pricked in the corner of mine, as he mouthed “take careâ€.
The journey home was a nightmare, I should have been happy being reunited with my family, but I couldn’t be all I wanted was to be with him, to speak to him one more time. The next few days my thoughts and dreams were all filled with him. But as time went on, life returned to normal, and I thought of him less and less. And that’s when the guilt set in, an over whelming crushing guilt, but why, I had done nothing wrong just struggled with my emotions.
Anyway I said at that beginning, that was all several months ago, and I’ve hardly thought of since. Until the last couple of days, when again my head has been filled with thoughts, dreams and fantasies of this man. Again I face the old dilemma, do I tell anyone?
The dilemma
Ohhhh, where shall I start?, I guess the beginning would be good.
It started some months ago now, I was away with work on a residential training course. The course was nothing special, just your normal boring, team building stuff, unmotivated instructors teaching you stuff they them selves find boring, not a great way to learn.. And the weather it was hot, hottest week of the year they reckon, just when you don’t want to be stuck in a classroom., but I needed this course, but hey we finished in the afternoon early given us plenty of time for the social extras, that every one else seemed to go on these courses for.
Me I was there strictly to learn, and gain the relevant bit of paper my boss wanted to see, worthless though it was. The first day was fairly uneventful, everyone getting to know each other pairing up with mates for the duration of the course, some know each other, most didn’t, some had mutual acquaintances, and seemed to spend the whole time discussing them or the conquests with them.
Yes you may have guessed I was the minority on this course, the only female. And to make matters worse I was kind of stuck in the middle of two distinct age groups, half the course being around twenty and the other half being late forties, with me stuck some where in the middle.
Anyway I figured that staying with the older guys was probably the best bet, at least the conversation was constantly, who had who, and how good they were. Yes defiantly the right choice, stick with the more mature members of the course, the ones whose whole purpose in life was not to get drunk and get laid.
The first night or so was great a few beers in the bar, would have liked wine, but this bar was catering for the younger members of our course, the “see how much I can drink before I’m sick†group. But then on about the second , I started getting a strange feeling, I put it down to the food, such bad quality, and so I hadn’t eaten much, that and the lack of sleep, due to the heat and the earlier starts.
By the third day, it suddenly dawned on me what it was, oh no, it couldn’t be I was far to old for that. I pushed the thought to the back of my head, but it was no good that awful, wonderful thought was in my mind now. But it had to go, this couldn’t happen. I told my self grow up, you don’t need to think like this.
And so I made an extra effort to talk to the younger members of the group, I even sat drinking with outsiders that I didn’t know, anything but confront it.
Sorry I’ve not explained, I must being going to fast for you, I’m still shocked that this could happen to me, sensible level headed me. I wasn’t some little dizzy school kid, I was a grown adult a mother, had a loving partner, yet here I was with a silly school girl crush. I kept realising that I was following this poor man around, I had no control, no reasoning, I just couldn’t help myself.
I wanted him, and yet deep down I know I was happy at home with my loving partner and children, I would knowingly jeopardise that. But something about this man made me want to just throw caution to the wind and make a pass.
Anyway by the time I’d realised my attraction for this man, we had built up a good friendship and were spending many happy, tidally moments together discussing or past, and even our present situations. I couldn’t just suddenly stop talking to him now, we were friends. And yet something deep inside me told me I wanted more. It was like little voices arguing in my head, reason or base instinct I guess, some uncontrollable desire. I lay awake at night, tormented by fantasies of this man, the pair of us our bodies locked together in an embrace. I longed for him to touch me, positioned myself so he would have to squeeze past me, his body brushing mine for a few seconds, just the thought sent a tingle through my body.
By the last night I spent hours going over in my head , what I was going to say to him, I’d wait till he had had a few beers and then tell him how I felt, no don’t be stupid what if he’s shocked, he might run a mile, or maybe he won’t be shocked, he might feel the same way, oh god then what,?. Yes I wanted him, but did I this was a stupid school girl crush I told my self firmly, pull yourself together. But by now my strange mood was beginning to show. My fellow class members kept asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell them, could I?
And yet by the end of the evening, I sat alone with him in the warm summers air a slight breeze teasing my skin, he shuffled a little closer sensing the chill that ran through me from the breeze. I closed my eyes took a deep breath, and tried to tell him hoe I felt, but I couldn’t. Just gave him some story about having a lot on my mind, missing my family that sort of thing. All rubbish of course, but logic was finally winning over lust. But still deep inside butterflies leapt in my stomach just sitting next to him. Sadness filled my heart, tomorrow we were due to go home separately, we would probably never see each other again.
Again the argument started inside my head, I felt like I was going mad, I should tell him, no let sleeping dogs lie, even if he feels the same way there’s nothing you can do, after all you criticised the younger course members whose goal on course was to get a new conquest. I want ed so much to tell him how I felt, just kiss him I told my self, se if he kisses you back, and as I finally took a deep breath and plucked up the courage, a classmate came out to join us.
I went to bed and had yet another sleepless night, deciding weather I should tell him over breakfast, I decided I would, but of course I didn’t, again some one got in the way., babbling on about or course project.
The rest of the morning went well, we gave our presentation, a short play, all part of our teambuilding exercises, I managed for a brief time not to think to much about him, but to concentrate on the presentation. We had our exams, and then just waited.
By the end of the day when it was time to go, I was almost in tears, I didn’t want the day, or week come to that to end. I felt like my heart would break having to say good bye to him, Yes I know it was stupid, this was a man I hardly really know, but we had a connection.
And then just as my mind was drifting of in to a fantasy world, he hugged, me, took me in his arms and hugged me. Our bodies pressed together, it was like electric, my knees went weak, and my checks flushed. My whole body seemed to quiver. “Goodbye†he whispered “its been great meeting youâ€
And then just as I thought it couldn’t get any better, he kissed me, not a passionate kiss just a lingering peck on my lips. And looking in to his deep brown eyes I felt sure I could see it the same passion I had a shared passion, a lust for one another,. Had he too been fighting with his demons, the voices in his head, hiding his feelings, his urges?
We parted suddenly aware of our classmates around us, the silence that was creeping over the room, I flushed all over, turning away from him I hastily said goodbye to my other class mates, before quickly slipping away., I turned as I reached the door, and immediately our eyes met, a tear pricked in the corner of mine, as he mouthed “take careâ€.
The journey home was a nightmare, I should have been happy being reunited with my family, but I couldn’t be all I wanted was to be with him, to speak to him one more time. The next few days my thoughts and dreams were all filled with him. But as time went on, life returned to normal, and I thought of him less and less. And that’s when the guilt set in, an over whelming crushing guilt, but why, I had done nothing wrong just struggled with my emotions.
Anyway I said at that beginning, that was all several months ago, and I’ve hardly thought of since. Until the last couple of days, when again my head has been filled with thoughts, dreams and fantasies of this man. Again I face the old dilemma, do I tell anyone?