DH doesn't agree

[newmummy]

Hi, I've got a 10 week old daughter, and things are going well. We have a bedside cot, but mostly she sleeps next to me in the bed, I love snuggling up to her. I carry her in the sling, and she doesn't cry much because she doesn't need to.
But the 'problem' I have is with DH. He thinks I'm giving in to her too much, he ask's me every morning if she slept in the cot or in bed, and I usualy tell him she was in the cot. She will happily sleep in the cot, when she wakes I put a hand on her and she falls back asleep no problem. I was chatting to him the other day on the phone, he was at work and was infront of his work mates, and made some comment about how I give in to her too easily and she'll never want to be away from me. I've told him it doesn't work like that, she'll be more secure in herself. But he's from a big family, they were mostly left to themselves, as there was always a new baby to look after, and most the people he knows with kids look down on my way of doing things. The latest thing now is how much she poos. I feed on demand, and she has lots of dirty nappies everyday. He was chatting to some dads who's babies only have 1 dirty nappy a day, and 1 who only goes every 6 days, so he thinks I'm feeding her too much.
When I ask him if he's got a problem with how I do things, he knows he's upset me and says I'm a great mum, but then a couple of days later, he'll make another comment.
I've read lots myself, but he always says he doesn't have the time. Does anyone know of any shortish articles about the positive affects of AP? And any support on how I'm doing the right thing would be good, I'm finding things a bit of a struggle these last few days.
Mary

[Easties]

hello and welcome hun
all i can say is your mum do what you think is right every child is different it sounds like you are doing a great job
i have never done AP but i think its great some parents do
go with what you are comfortable with as baby is happy so you are doing something right :kisshands:

[Netty]

Hello and welcome.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter.

Not sure of any articles that will help your dh - but trogette may know of something.

I assume you are breatfeeding? how can you be feeding her too much? All babies are different, and having lots of wet and dirty nappies is a good sign!

[Lemon]

Are you happy ? Is your baby happy ? Isn't that all the matters ? Maybe tell dh that - he's not the one that is taking the main caring role in her life.

The thing with parenting is there are many issues that are not wrong or right, different things suit different families.

[Tess]

:wave2: and welcome
my dd is about 9 weeks and shes my 3rd child..only this morning i was asking for advice about co-sleeping and stuff, its a continuous learning curb this parenting lark.
no 2 children are the same, they are all different,. my ds co-slept and breastfed til he was 14 months, the only problemi got from that is that he still comes into our room most nights to sleep, and when he was younger (hes 3 now) he wouldn't go to many people, he was deffo a mummys boy, but now hes 3 he will go out with family and friends (not need me)

my dd1 was completly different. she was bottlefed fom 5 months and never slept in our bed and is so confident and boisterous

dd2. shes prob going to be my last baby so i want to hold on to that as much as i can.. she co sleeps and i always in the sling, even if im ironing sometimes lol. but thats just cos its easier sometimes and the only time i can get things done if she doesn't settle
im rambling lol
you're doing really well.esp if your little one sleeps in her cot..i haven't attempted that yet, as soon as she cries i lift her out again.
my dh is used to sleeping on the sofa or ds's bed occasionally :laugh:
i bf on demand, the number of dirty nappies i get every day change, you can't compare kids to other kids (althoughi think we all do secretly)
you just carry on with what you are doing. you're doing greaT :happy72:

[bikemad]

My sister does ap-she breast feeds on demand and her ds who is 10weeks old sleeps in with her n her oh.Her little boy is so content n happy n secure and it works for them.

If your happy then tbh I think your dh needs to realise that n accept it.

[Sarah]

Sounds like you are doing a great job. I breastfed all of my children but they were all in their own room by 10 weeks old. They (and me) slept better that way. I'm a very light sleeper so always woke up when they needed feeding. All my children are happy confident children even without sleeping in the same bed. You have to do what feels right for you and for your dh. Maybe a happy compromise?

[ruthie]

Do you think your dh is feeling a little jealous and left out maybe and so coming up with all these silly comments?

[Easties]

Do you think your dh is feeling a little jealous and left out maybe and so coming up with all these silly comments?thats a good point hun

[Seren]

A good book to read on the benefits of co-sleeping or bed sharing is 3 In a Bed by Deborah or Debbie Jackson

Have you looked to see if there is a breastfeeding support group near you? They cab often be a great help plus a chance to meet other mums.

Talk to your dh as much as possible, IMO a baby needs love and affection and it's not wrong to hold and cuddle them as much as you want when they need it. I carried dd in a sling and she slept in our bed, now she is mega independent and you wouldn't know that she co-slept or was carried.

HTH
take care

[trogette]

Anything you can find on The Natural Child Project (http://www.naturalchild.org/) will probably support you.

How much contact does he have with other dads? Are there any who you know parent 'your way'? Would he be open to going to a slingmeet or a LLL gathering or similar where there are dads?

If you can find ways of talking to him that don't challenge him too much it might help him figure out why he's so concerned about 'spoiling.' Talking about how you feel, 'I feel sad/angry/upset when I hear comments like 'you give in to the baby too much' because I start to think I'm not doing a good job, even though I believe in breastfeeding and cosleeping and meeting the child's needs. I lose confidence in myself.' rather than saying 'you make me feel...' might help him understand without feeling too defensive himself. There are ways of helping someone move away from defensiveness but they take far more effort than I think someone with a 10wko baby should be having to use! And if you can ask him gently about what he expects new parenthood to look like and what his problem is (lol in a nice way :) ) and show that you understand where he's coming from, even if you disagree with it, then he might be able to see where you're coming from too.

Oh and if he's open to it, you can get some AP-y books as audiobooks *grin*

[DianaB]

Hi,
Regarding a slightly different topic my partner and I had some discussion. I asked him to read the books that I had about it to be able to discuss the matter and come to some consensus together.
He didn't do it (no time, coz of work), so at some point I told him that unless he read what I knew there was no use in having a discussion about these things as he was let up-to-date on the topic as I was and I could see myself as the "expert" on the topic and therefore wouldn't discuss it with him any more unless he was up-to-date as well.
He never discussed the topic again. He did however read up on the topic a lot more and recently simply told me that he thinks my approach to it is right.
Hopefully this help.

Cheers,
Diana

[creamyegguk]

Hi,

perhaps your dh is feeling insecure since your baby came along and that's one of the reasons why he is making the comments he is? From what I have read and experienced through a Friend, it seems it is more common than I thought it was. My Friend whose dh came from a large Family who also seemed to have a similar attitude to their baby. After much discussion, cuddles, time together as a couple etc. she eventually managed to change his way of thinking and he's now happy to be 3 in a bed.

Good luck with dh, it can't be easy for you especially in the early days. Let us know how you get on :O)

[-Joy-]

Hiya hun, do you get the impression your hubby is jealous or something ? Just an idea.

As for sleeping in the bed, my elder children slept in my bed all the time ( from babies)! I eventually took the cot down as they were never in it.
I would also worry, if my baby only had one poo in 6 days !
It sounds like hes getting at you hun, and I dont know him to suggest why. But it doesnt seem fair to me.

You sound like your doing a great job, and as the others say - you do what you feel is right. If your baby is happy, then thats not doing a bad job is it.
Love Joy
x

[MrTempleDene]

I think 1 dirty nappy every 6 days sounds unhealthy, my ttwo produced plenty more than that every day.

but if your daughter settles if you just reach out and touch her in the cot, how come she ends up in the bed?

maybe, just maybe, he's feeling a little jealous about all the attention baby is getting and feels left out, there's plenty of advice out there about dealing with that, both for you AND HIM to read. He has to realise baby comes first even though you still love him, but you also have to realise he is bound to feel a little "pushed out" when baby gets so much attention

swings and roundabouts

but I still think a baby producing only one dirty nappy every 6 days sounds wrong

[Bay-Bee]

Sounds like your doing a great job and you have a happy baby and thats all that matters. Maybe say to him as she gets older things might change but whilst she is so young still this is how your doing it because its working for you. :kisshands:

[Netty]

Just a note that although this is an interesting and worthwhile discussion, the OP was made in April, and has not returned ...

[trogette]

re the issue of how regularly babies poo. It varies greatly from baby to baby and many will go several days between poos without it being a big problem once a decent milk supply is established, they're not constipated and it shouldn't be taken *in isolation* as a sign of not getting enough milk. That said, I believe (ie that's me, no refs, no expert witness, lol) it can be a sign of an intolerance to something in the mother's diet, particularly eggs, and particularly if the poo is 'clay-like' in consistency.

[mumsiejudy]

I can't see the need to read books etc. about bringing up children. So much of it is common sense and really if you and your baby are happy you must be doing the right thing so try not to worry. As everyone has said already, the number of dirty nappies varies but all I know is I always had a lot. I breastfed the last three and the last one also slept in bed with us and now at 19 there is not much the matter with him. He is loving, confident and very self assured. Just carry on doing what you are doing and try to encourage dh to help and cuddle the baby more. He really should be confident that as his baby is content and happy then he has a good wife and mother and shouldn't be listening to his workmates.

[trogette]

Sometimes it's useful to read books that discuss ways of doing things that are different to the way one's peers, family and neighbours generally do, and to explore new ideas and ways of thinking, just as it's useful to talk to other people on boards and at groups and suchlike. It can be too easy to read something and think that you want it to be the 'right' way of doing things and then be very disappointed with yourself when you can't live up to it.

[saraveg]

I had a similar thing with my dh and he was backed up by his mum! Luckily My mum agreed with me. I researched it on line and made a folder and said look this is why I'm doing what I am and if you want to disagree find the back up and show me - they never did! Now they have both come round when they see how content and happy she is and has moved away from me in her own time. dd is 2 1/2 now and I am glad I did what felt right for me and will carry on.

[saraveg]

Sorry got interupted (cat was sick) Good luck with everything and be strong.

[beaniesmum]

I have the same situation - my dh (or should that be bh?!) thinks I spoil our 12 week old daughter. Have you read the Attachment Parenting book by Dr Sears? - there are lots of good bite size pieces of research backing up AP in there. I know how hard it is when you feel like everyone else thinks it should be done differently (that's why I'm here!). I hope you and your dh come to an understanding, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job, and your daughter is a lucky gal!

[saraveg]

Keep up the good work. Explain to dh that breast fed babies do poo more and as for the rest of it I found the book " why babies cry" very good and its full of good one line quotes and facts to shut up non ap's. Just do what feels right to you and works for your baby.
My dd was totally ap and is full of confidence and only ever has cried when she fell or hurt herself. she is now 3 1/2 and very secure so for us it worked. good luck.

[jenzen]

Hi love, i hear this problem so often, usually about guys who have not read or understood the concepts of AP. most of the time once they get it it helps so a bit of reading? no real suggestions off top of my head, the other thought is i believe for the first year of a babies life it all about the boobies/ mummies so OH needs to respect that and let the mummy be the mummy and make the judgements
good luck, your daughter sounds very fortunate

[Boom]

Hi and welcome

You don't need me to tell you you are doing a good thing. You've read the books and you know your baby better than anyone.

All I will say is that if a baby only poos every 6 days there must be something wrong with their diet.

:-)