Want a new start... long sorry

[Jess85]

I have had a few days to myself to think about my life and I can't see myself being happier where I am now. I can't stand being in this small town away from everything and everyone (suburb of Brighton) in my family. I love Zack so much I want him to have a nice family life, not experience swearing and no shows of affection (like DP parents, that's why I have given up taking him over to see them) they are, how can I put it, gypsy background (well his mum is) and she is disgusting the way she swears all the time the 'c' word aswell! I just don't want Zack to hear it. DP has got that side of his personality off his mum, simple things like saying 'gob' instead of 'mouth' is not hard and I get annoyed when he doesn't listen!
I get fed up when I come downstairs to find a bomb site when I have cleaned the day before. I wish he'd get a job, I know he's down because it's really hard for him to get a job (no qualifications no nowt basically) but because we spend so much time together his habits really get to me and I'm starting to resent him and wish he would go away.
I also want to stop smoking but DP smokes like a chimney and I can't when he's around, but he refuses to stop.
I just want to be selfish for a change and think of myself, I want to get away, live in the area I want, and do my own thing with my own clutter iykwim. I hate feeling like this and shouldn't have to but I can't bear the thought of breaking someone's heart and making them homeless.
I feel like I'm at a dead end :ac39: sorry for ranting

[MrTempleDene]

How about your parents Jess? are they around?

[Jess85]

Well sort of... my dad is in Bradford, and we kind of get along but my mum and I haven't really got on, we keep making up and falling out again iykwim. She gave custody of me to my Grandparents when I was about 6 weeks old and have lived with them ever since. I see them every week but they are too far away to just pop round and see if I need to get away iykwim

[MrTempleDene]

Sorry to hear that, was hoping you could use "I want to be with MY family" as an excuse to move away from where you are, are your grandparents still around, could you move closer to them?

[MrTempleDene]

D'oh, I'll try reading your post more carefully, sorry

[Jess85]

Lol that's ok nettys hubby

[MrTempleDene]

But could you say to your DP I want to be closer to MY family, and say you wanted to move close to grandparents? or are they sort of too close for that too work?

I'm thinking maybe being further away form his family might soften your DP

[Jess85]

Thanks for your help
I really want to move but have to go on a housing list, so might have to wait a few years, but I will definitely move nearer my family. DP says that's fine because he might be able to get a job easier there

[Lemon]

Awww ... Jess big hugs for you. Your not being selfish thinking about you son and the environment you want him to be brought up in, my family are drinkers and I hate my children being around 'drunk' people alot. I am their Mother and it is my choice for them.

Do you still love him ? Do you think if he was doing a day job things would be better for both of you ? Maybe you already know what you want to do but just don't know how to go about it without hurting anyone. Unfortunately you can't do these things in a way where no-one will get upset, but if he is not willing to change his ways in order to avoid you leaving then he will have to live with the consequences. Sorry to sound harsh. xxx

[smirnoff]

have you thought about the exchange list?? Try an out of areas one - you could then use the excuse that it is easier to get an exchange to a different area..
love and hugs what a terrible situation, but you have to realise that you have to do what is right for you and zack.. no one else is really important. Sorry to be blunt. I know that this is one of the hardest decisions, but if you still love him and want to be with him then you will find a way to make you happy, if not then finish it coz dragging it out isnt going to help anyone..

Hope you sort it out hun xxx

[Girlzmum]

I agree totally with Lemon, you're not being selfish at all. You're being a mother who wants the best for her son and to see your partner make the most of himself.

My dad and most of his family have drink problems and I really don't like anyone drinking round my girls now - I know the damage it can do to see your family in that state, so I'm not surprised you want to take him out of that environment.

:crossfing that a new house becomes available soon for you.

[Sarah]

Jess you need to talk to your partner and tell him how you are feeling, it might be the jolt he needs to sort himself out. He needs to get a job and support you and Zack and maybe it would be good for all of you to move away from the area and his parents, but you really need to talk to dp and tell him how you are feeling - communication is always they key.

[ruthie]

It must be hard if he's not working as not only is money short which causes problems but he is in the way so to speak, but being a lone parent is dam hard as well. Is it that your feelings for him have changed or is it your circumstances? What about a job say as a Bus driver with overtime wages are good and apart from being able to drive you don't need qualifications. Just be careful you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

[Whassat]

aww sorry Jess..
i totally agree with what Lemon and the others have said.
its not selfish at all...you just need to bite the bullet and do what your headis telling you to do..and go with your heart, only you can make the decisons that will be right for you and your son...hes too young to make them for himself...
how long have you n dp been together?..
he does seem to get on your nerves i think, just by reading some of the posts you put on here....you need to sort it out, otherwise you'll just keep going round in circles and nothings going to happen, only you'll end up being miserable..talk to him..you got nothing to lose.
are you in a council/Housing Ass property now? can you do an exchange? put adverts in the local shop windows etc?
good luck to you. you sound like a lovely person and you deserve happiness in your life. xx

[Jess85]

Aww thanks everyone for the replies!
We are with a housing association but are on a shorthold tenancy (?) which apparently we can't exchange and have to move out in 3 years.
I got my number today so I can 'bid' on homemove, which is quite good, but I will need to get myself in gear and get a form for West Sussex area (where my family are) I'm lucky, my Grandad picks Zack and I up every Wednesday and takes us back. It is only 10 miles away and easy enough to get the train, but it's not 'walking distance' which I would ideally love so I can just get away if I need to for a few hours, my nan is amazing she cheers me up and so does my aunty.
I try talking to dp and things change... but then tomorrow it always goes back to normal! I'm sick of 'mothering' him iykwim
Thanks for all your help I am sure I'll get things sorted

[MrTempleDene]

Could you negotiate an extended stay (a week maybe) at grandparents, just you and Zack, not DP

Might make your DP realise just how much you do for him!

[Jess85]

Well Zack and I stayed over the other weekend so that DP could decorate the front room, and it was great, Zack was perfect during the night and I just had to time to 'let my hair down' iykwim. I feel guilty though as my nan and grandad sleep in different rooms now I moved out, because they both snore lol (yet both hear each other and say they can't sleep?!) and I use the spare room (my old room) and my nan has to go back in with my grandad so I don't like to do it too much (though that was the only time I've stayed over on a 'whim' iykwim the other time was at Xmas):hysterica

[vikki]

hugs to you Jess, I know exactly how you feel when at a dead end. Well done for getting a bit of time out. Being in the same four walls can drive you crazy and you have trouble making clear decisions. Hope you are feeling better todayx

[Rhianydd]

Jess I am in Hove if you would like to meet up
hope you manage to get a move to west sussex

[smirnoff]

Aww thanks everyone for the replies!
We are with a housing association but are on a shorthold tenancy (?) which apparently we can't exchange and have to move out in 3 years.


confused.. sorry..
shorthold or assured shorthold tenancy??? they are very different legally.. let me know and i wil ask dp who knows about this kind of thing!! LOL

[mumsiejudy]

It is obvious that your dp is around to much as he is not working. Everyone needs their space. Alright, he hasn't any qualifications. Could he not use this time to get back to learning or training for a job which would interest him. I gather there are some around but not sure how one goees about finding them. Maybe the job centre could help then when you move he might be in a better position to gain employment. You go on thinking about yourself and Zack. There is nothing wrong in that. A pity your dp doesn't.

[Jess85]

confused.. sorry..
shorthold or assured shorthold tenancy??? they are very different legally.. let me know and i wil ask dp who knows about this kind of thing!! LOL

Just found my letter and it says 'sole assured shorthold tenancy' Thanks Smirnoff.

Rhianydd - wow I am really pleased there's someone on here from the same area, I'd love to meet up :yes:

I got my housing form from the mid sussex council today - haven't filled it in, am still debating on putting DP on it (how horrid does that sound) or whether to make a 'proper new start'... it might be years before I get offered somewhere so it won't be a spur of the moment decision...